PART 1: SUFFERING
Suffering has been a major motif throughout my life – that sounds so “martyr-ish”, and I totally don’t mean it that way. Nor do I mean it in an "I feel sorry for myself" kind of way; it’s more of an "I didn’t know what the heck was going on yet God was using it for my good and His glory behind the scenes" kind of thing. I didn't even realize this underlying theme until God brought it up to the surface level to reveal Himself to me through it.
The death of a friend started me thinking on the subject of suffering and wondering how God chooses to move through it in such a unique way. I cannot pretend to understand it; having experienced much loss, I know full well that sorrow definitely clouds my own judgment in those situations, so I must turn to God's Word. "...we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3
On Thursday night, our homegroup prayed for one of our brothers in Christ who, in complete obedience to God, is returning to his spiritually dark homeland to share the Gospel with his fellow countrymen, most of whom have never heard the name of Jesus proclaimed. When we asked him what to pray for, he replied "That I would suffer more..." What an answer! That is exactly something the apostle Paul would say - Paul saw how much worth there was (and still is!) in the art of suffering. "Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear." Philippians 1:12-14
I'll come back to the suffering motif, but let me briefly side-step to another part of the picture...
PART 2: GOD'S PLANS
World Missions is something I’ve felt called to for quite a while, but that is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay outside of my comfort zone. In fact, “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay outside of my comfort zone” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I feel completely inadequate for it: I’m not great at interacting with strangers, there are so many others who know the Bible much more than I do, I have so many flaws that I wonder “what good could I possibly do?”… And yet, in spite of my many shortcomings, I still hear the calling. I have been in that stage for a while now, expanding my knowledge base and learning more about God's heart for the nations, but over the past two weeks, God has been doing something more with this...
Now to bring it all together...
PART 3: REVELATION
After last Thursday, God began to show me how suffering has played out in my life, specifically the past three years. Emotionally, the past three years have been a living hell - many hurts and much loss. To make things worse, God decided to pair up emotional turmoil with a spiritual desert. He *never* abandoned me, but He kept His distance and stayed silent (except in extreme circumstances). He then showed me that I am moving out of the emotional and spiritual suffering into a period of physical suffering of sorts. Financially, I won't be as free to do as I please - God is calling me to be much more strict with how I spend my money and much more generous in giving toward His purposes. Also, Saturday I felt He was impressing upon me that there would also be physical ailments. Sure enough, Monday morning, I woke up with a pain in my lower back on the left side: a kidney stone. Suffering is not fun, but when He showed me the "Why", it is sooooooo worth it.
Not so coincidentally, during this same time period, God has shifted my heart for missions into Active Preparation Mode, getting ready to GO to an undetermined location within the next however many years. I have never really known what my involvement in missions would look like, but (here arises another non-coincidence) this is beginning to take shape as well. There might even be some potential plans being thrown around at this very moment, plans that could seriously come to fruition in the not-so-distant future.
I am in awe of our God! He is so beautifully and intricately weaving together pieces of my life (and others' lives) to align with His plans and purposes. The suffering isn't for naught. He is using it to refine and prepare me for whatever plans He has for me. He had/has to put me through the fire to bring me to this place (and will continue to do so!)
Everything in my life up to this point has prepared me for this calling.
It has most assuredly been an interesting couple of weeks. Moving from hearing the call into active preparation mode is so strange and a little scary – I had always hoped this day would come, but it was almost as if I never expected it to. I’m still in a fog, wondering “Is this really happening?”. Perhaps the most reassuring, most encouraging part of all is this: I can see the different lessons I’ve learned, the heartaches, the hardships, my desires, hopes and dreams ALL converging onto one path. No tears were shed in vain; no losses, futile. “And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
